An Unexpected, Tragic Loss

On March 9, 2016, I received a call from my grandmother that my Mom had a heart attack and they were transferring her to another hospital via helicopter. I was told this was merely precautionary; however, I knew better. After a short debate, I decided to fly home to spend some time with my mother. Upon arriving and talking to my dad, my siblings and the doctors, I came to the understanding that Mom's condition was much worse than I realized. She had a heart cath; however, she waited too long to come to the hospital so her heart had suffered a lot of damage. She needed a left ventricular assist device (LVAD) to assist her heart functions until she could be put on a transplant list. I was able to help feed my Mom while I was there and spend quality time with her. I even got a good laugh out of her by telling her we could both be "bionic" together with our heart devices (she had always called me her bionic child due to my pacemaker). I got a picture of her smiling in the hospital before I flew home. I left with the hope that I would get a call from my Dad or sister saying that Mom was stable enough to be transported to a transplant hospital to receive the LVAD.

Three days after I arrived back home, I received a call from my Dad telling me that Mom had taken a turn for the worse. She started having complications and had to be intibated, put on a ventilator and she was unconscious. My Dad told me to come back to Kentucky as I had to make the decision on what to do. Devastated, I called the hospital directly and spoke to the charge nurse. I was informed that Mom would likely not recover and that the initial plan for her to receive the LVAD was not possible as she was too unstable and due to her other medical conditions, she was not a canditate for a heart transplant. Essentially, Mom was left at the mercy of the ventilators and medicatons to keep her alive and comfortable.

I got on a plane as fast as I could and flew home. My husband later loaded the car and drove the 2,000 miles from Nevada to Kentucky. Walking into that hospital room was like walking into a nightmare. Seeing my Mom lying unconscious with only a machine keeping her alive was never something I wanted to see. Upon recommendations of the doctor, we waited 48 hours from the time she was intibated on the slight chance that she may show improvement. When she didn't, we made the difficult decision to take her off the ventilator.

For two days, Mom held on. For two days, I watched her lie there as the nurses came in and out regulary to administer medications to keep her comfortable. Finally, on Monday, May 21st, I asked my husband, Josh, to drive the 2 hours from my parents house to the hospital to come pick me up so I could spend time with the kids as Mom was still holding on and there were no signs that she was letting go yet. Not long after my husband arrived, we waited around to see if anything would change before we decided to leave. Not having eaten much, we stopped less than a mile from the hospital to go through drive-thru to grab something to eat. As we got back on the road, my Dad called to tell me to come back to the hospital as Mom was slipping away. I came back and immediately checked the machines only to see that Mom's blood pressure was dropping and she kept going back and forth from a-fib to skipping beats and then her heart rate started dropping. Mom had been on oxygen up until this point so we asked that the oxygen be taken off so she could pass peacefully. The oxygen was removed and the next few moments were tragic. The sounds Mom made as she took her last breaths is something I will never forget but wish I could. As I held her hand and told her not to leave and begged her to stay so she could watch her grandkids grow, she slowly slipped away. The next thing I remember is the nurse coming in to tell us that Mom was gone. My husband, brother and Dad held on tightly to each other while holding onto Mom. A piece of us died that day along with Mom; a piece of us that we will never get back.

I waited around for a while trying to make sense of everything and talking to family before my husband, father and brother loaded in the car to make the long, numbing 2 hour drive home. I sat in the back seat hoping it was all a horrible dream and that if I closed my eyes and fell asleep, maybe I would wake up and it would all be over. After all, it was 17 months earlier that my husband had lost his mother unexpecteldy due to a hard fall down the stairs so this could not be happening all over again.

I opened my eyes not far from my parents home to the realization that it was not a horrible dream. Pulling into my parents driveway somehow had already seemed different. Walking in the door of their home and knowing she would never be there again was something I hated feeling. I saw my sister (she had stayed behind to care for her son) and my children and immediately embraced them.  I was still numb but my children helped to bring me comfort and take my mind off of things.

The next day we made my Mom's funeral arrangements and a few days later, her funeral was held. I was able to see family members I haven't seen in quite some time; I saw how many people paid their respects and how many loved my Mom.

It has now been 2 1/2 months since my Mom's passing. The first few weeks after I returned home were very difficult. I didn't sleep more than 3 hours a night and had to stay busy in order to keep from constantly thinking about my Mom. Every little thing reminds me of her and sometimes memories flood my mind.

At this juncture, I have reached the anger stage of my grief. I loved my Mom dearly and yet I find myself wishing I didn't have those memories of her; the memories of watching her take her last breath. My sister wishes she were at the hospital at that time but I tell her that she was lucky because there was nothing worse that seeing that happen. Watching someone die in front of you, especially your Mother, is not something I ever want to witness again. Just today, a car in front of me had a license plate that read "Arti" (my Mom's name) and all I wanted to do was accelerate  to hit the car to get it away from me. I have become less tolerant the last few days and find myself just wanting to yell and scream for no reason. I'm angry that I didn't know the heart attack signs for women well enough to warn my Mom, especially given that my grandfather and uncle both died from hair attacks/heart failure. Hell, I was born with a congenital heart defect so I, above all, should have known the signs! I hate myself for that. I hate that when I want to call my Mom, she is not there. I hate that when I want to see her face, I can't Skype with her like I used to. I hate that she's not able to call to wish her grandkids a Happy Birthday and send them cards each year. I hate that I will no longer get a call from her at midnight each year to wish me a Happy New Year! I hate that she will no longer send Christmas care packages for her grandkids and that I can't fly her out to visit. I hate that I'll no longer be able to update her with my cardiology appointments. I hate that she is gone.

I am trying to tell myself that I will get through this; that the grief is something I have to endure in order to move forward.  I can't let this anger get the best of me and yet I don't know how to not let it. While it has only been a short time since she left us and the grief is still quite fresh, I know she would want me to be strong. She would tell me, "you've always been strong and stubborn so don't give up".  I'm trying Mom, I'm trying.

Classic VW Car Show

I've been trying to do as much as I can with my little family prior to the big surgery. One of the things we have done lately is go to the Classic VW Car Show at Town Square shopping center on October 1st. There were so many cool VW's and I never thought in a million years that I would ever want a classic VW until I saw some of the ones that were there. There was a VW Beetle that was pink and white on the outside and the inside was just as girly. LOVED IT! Noah really enjoyed all the Beetles and buses and all the classic cars. It was nice to see his little face light up at every car we looked at.

Times, they are a changin'

Lots of things have been happening in our household lately. First and foremost, there's the issue with my pacemaker which you know by now. Josh's mother is generously coming out for a week and a half to assist with the boys so I can recover. I don't know how long recovery will be but I am grateful for the time she will be here to help. I only wish my mom could be here as well. It will be difficult not having her here but I know she will be thinking of me and praying for me, which is enough for me.

Secondly, last Saturday, we adopted a cat from the NSPCA. His name was Charlie. Unfortunately, Charlie only lasted two days in our house due to an allergic reaction that never existed before. I contacted the NSPCA this last Monday and explained the situation and was able to return him the next day. We felt horrible and Noah had the hardest time with it. So with the allergic reaction came a lot of deep cleaning because any hint of cat hair was NO BUENO!!!! After hours of cleaning, I think I finally de-allergized the house (if that is even a word). Nonetheless, I have my fingers crossed that all is sanitized and clean.

To make up for us not being able to keep the cat, I took Noah today to buy two new fish for his tank. He ended up getting a yellow barb and a zebra barb. He is so very proud of them. So now his tank consists of the two barbs, a pleco, a snail and upside-down catfish. I am hopeful they will have long lives.

Furthermore, Kolsen rolled over for the first time last week. I have video proof of his 2nd rollover (its about 1:46 in the video) and it was AMAZING!!! My baby is growing so fast....already at 15lbs., 11 oz.  It is hard to believe he is already 4 months old.

Next, I got the green light from the pediatrician for Kolsen to start solid foods. I started him off with rice cereal yesterday but he didn't want anything to do with it. I tried again this morning and he got frustrated, my guess because he didn't understand he had to swallow. My third attempt was with sweet potatoes. At first I had the same problem but then he got used to it and ate about 1/4 of the container. I guess the third time IS the charm.

As far as other changes, they are coming, albeit I don't know what they are or when they'll come but I have faith that no matter what the change, all will be as it should.

Kids Say (and do) the Darndest Things....

Never a day goes by that my 3 year old, Noah, doesn't say something endearing or just plain funny. I just thought I would share some of this sayings as no matter how I was feeling, he made me feel better when he said them:

"Mommy, I'm proud that you're home"
"My book's broken. Mommy, I just need a piece of tate to fix it" (he meant tape).
"That song is really cool"
"I love my baby brother"
"The volcano is going to rupt!"
"The ladybug needs to get out of the house and fast!"
"I fart!
"Can't eat the guinea pig...that's nasty!"
"That's really terrible."
"Why ma'am?"
"That's a hard landing in the water" (while watching "Wipeout").
"Oh my heavens"
"It's good that you're home Mommy"
"That shark's gonna eat me"
"Mommy, where's my butt?"
"It's really very cloudy"

It amazes me how a 3 year old can come up with these phrases. I am sure it is just the beginning of more phrases to come.

Noah also does the funniest things. Example #1: Anytime there is a song on TV that he has heard before, he sings along. Example #2: He loves the AT&T flash mob commercial...so much that he does the dance too. Kolsen loved watching him dance last night and he made his little coos and smiled as he watched his big brother be so silly.

While these are just some of his funny and endearing phrases, and just a few things he does, Noah really knows how to bring a smile to my face. I get excited every day just thinking of what he will say and do next!

What a Difference a Year Makes

Well, it has been a year since I last blogged and I can't begin to tell you how much I've missed it. I love to write and nothing pleases me more than to write about my family. I am going to try really hard to stay current on blogging as a lot has happened over the last year.
Shortly after we celebrated our 10 year anniversary in 2010, we found out we were expecting our 2nd child. On May 22, 2011, we welcomed our 2nd born, another son, Kolsen Briggs Collis, into the world. He weighed 8 lbs., 1 oz., and was 22 inches long. The labor and deliver was just as easy as I remember (shocking, right?), however, there were some differences this time around. The anesthesiologist had a difficult time administering my epidural and then I had a side affect after deliver of uncontrollable shaking and being cold. Other than that, it was easy peasy! Noah is so proud to be a big brother and he dotes on his little brother all the time. We were also very blessed to have our mother's here to witness Kolsen's birth and help out after his birth for a few weeks. Having two kids has proven to be a challenge at times and I am sure it doesn't get any less challenging as they get older.

Shortly before Kolsen was born, we decided that after being in Vegas for 6 years, we would finally purchase a home. We found a home in a very short time, made an offer and it was accepted! We hit a few speed bumps trying to get everything finalized before baby arrived and we ended up closing the day after Kolsen was born.....AT THE HOSPITAL! That was definitely an experience. Two days later, we packed up a moving van and moved across town to our new home. We are now proud homeowners!!!!


I have to admit, since my last blog post, most of the excitement in our family has happened in the last 10 weeks. From watching our boys growing fast to personalizing our new home, there is always something to look forward to...and that makes all the difference in the world.

10th Wedding Anniversary

On July 11, 2010, Josh and I celebrated our 10th Wedding Anniversary!

I can't believe it has been 10 years! We have had a lot of ups and downs in the last 10 years but we have managed to stay strong together and we are still the best of friends. I have been so blessed to have Josh in my life. He has brought me so much happiness and I couldn't ask for a better person to spend eternity with.

‎"With tiny tears that glistened, my eyes were fixed on you. And thinking of the life we'd share, we softly said "I do."
Our hearts were knit together from the time that we first met, And memories were gathered, that we never will forget.
While daily living life with you, you saw the real me, And still you chose acceptance, a lifelong mystery.
With many happy days gone by, and others when we cried, Some days we'd share so endlessly, while other days we'd hide.
With all the ups and downs we've had, in learning to be friends, I know that in this heart of mine, I'd marry you again." -Anne Peterson