What speaks to your soul?

“What in your life is calling you? When all the noise is silenced, the meetings adjourned, the lists laid aside, and the wild iris blooms by itself in the dark forest, what still pulls on your soul? In the silence between your heartbeats hides a summons, do you hear it? Name it, if you must, or leave it forever nameless, but why pretend it is not there?” — Unknown source 

 

 

Life. Life is a series of events that teach us more than we could ever imagine. Life is not simple; it is complex. We go through the motions every day and we live, we survive, we persevere. There is something that keeps me grounded, that makes me feel peace and understand my purpose. What pulls at my soul are those with meaning and depth. I talk frequently about nature and the sky both of which pull at my soul and speak to me. The sky has meaning for me that life exists beyond our grasp, beyond our comprehension. The sky is a place that I know will always be there, never straying although always changing. The sky and nature remind me of life in which there is light, dark, greatness, peace; there is hope, beauty, fulfillment, knowledge and things unknown. How can something like that not speak to your soul?

An Unexpected, Tragic Loss

On March 9, 2016, I received a call from my grandmother that my Mom had a heart attack and they were transferring her to another hospital via helicopter. I was told this was merely precautionary; however, I knew better. After a short debate, I decided to fly home to spend some time with my mother. Upon arriving and talking to my dad, my siblings and the doctors, I came to the understanding that Mom's condition was much worse than I realized. She had a heart cath; however, she waited too long to come to the hospital so her heart had suffered a lot of damage. She needed a left ventricular assist device (LVAD) to assist her heart functions until she could be put on a transplant list. I was able to help feed my Mom while I was there and spend quality time with her. I even got a good laugh out of her by telling her we could both be "bionic" together with our heart devices (she had always called me her bionic child due to my pacemaker). I got a picture of her smiling in the hospital before I flew home. I left with the hope that I would get a call from my Dad or sister saying that Mom was stable enough to be transported to a transplant hospital to receive the LVAD.

Three days after I arrived back home, I received a call from my Dad telling me that Mom had taken a turn for the worse. She started having complications and had to be intibated, put on a ventilator and she was unconscious. My Dad told me to come back to Kentucky as I had to make the decision on what to do. Devastated, I called the hospital directly and spoke to the charge nurse. I was informed that Mom would likely not recover and that the initial plan for her to receive the LVAD was not possible as she was too unstable and due to her other medical conditions, she was not a canditate for a heart transplant. Essentially, Mom was left at the mercy of the ventilators and medicatons to keep her alive and comfortable.

I got on a plane as fast as I could and flew home. My husband later loaded the car and drove the 2,000 miles from Nevada to Kentucky. Walking into that hospital room was like walking into a nightmare. Seeing my Mom lying unconscious with only a machine keeping her alive was never something I wanted to see. Upon recommendations of the doctor, we waited 48 hours from the time she was intibated on the slight chance that she may show improvement. When she didn't, we made the difficult decision to take her off the ventilator.

For two days, Mom held on. For two days, I watched her lie there as the nurses came in and out regulary to administer medications to keep her comfortable. Finally, on Monday, May 21st, I asked my husband, Josh, to drive the 2 hours from my parents house to the hospital to come pick me up so I could spend time with the kids as Mom was still holding on and there were no signs that she was letting go yet. Not long after my husband arrived, we waited around to see if anything would change before we decided to leave. Not having eaten much, we stopped less than a mile from the hospital to go through drive-thru to grab something to eat. As we got back on the road, my Dad called to tell me to come back to the hospital as Mom was slipping away. I came back and immediately checked the machines only to see that Mom's blood pressure was dropping and she kept going back and forth from a-fib to skipping beats and then her heart rate started dropping. Mom had been on oxygen up until this point so we asked that the oxygen be taken off so she could pass peacefully. The oxygen was removed and the next few moments were tragic. The sounds Mom made as she took her last breaths is something I will never forget but wish I could. As I held her hand and told her not to leave and begged her to stay so she could watch her grandkids grow, she slowly slipped away. The next thing I remember is the nurse coming in to tell us that Mom was gone. My husband, brother and Dad held on tightly to each other while holding onto Mom. A piece of us died that day along with Mom; a piece of us that we will never get back.

I waited around for a while trying to make sense of everything and talking to family before my husband, father and brother loaded in the car to make the long, numbing 2 hour drive home. I sat in the back seat hoping it was all a horrible dream and that if I closed my eyes and fell asleep, maybe I would wake up and it would all be over. After all, it was 17 months earlier that my husband had lost his mother unexpecteldy due to a hard fall down the stairs so this could not be happening all over again.

I opened my eyes not far from my parents home to the realization that it was not a horrible dream. Pulling into my parents driveway somehow had already seemed different. Walking in the door of their home and knowing she would never be there again was something I hated feeling. I saw my sister (she had stayed behind to care for her son) and my children and immediately embraced them.  I was still numb but my children helped to bring me comfort and take my mind off of things.

The next day we made my Mom's funeral arrangements and a few days later, her funeral was held. I was able to see family members I haven't seen in quite some time; I saw how many people paid their respects and how many loved my Mom.

It has now been 2 1/2 months since my Mom's passing. The first few weeks after I returned home were very difficult. I didn't sleep more than 3 hours a night and had to stay busy in order to keep from constantly thinking about my Mom. Every little thing reminds me of her and sometimes memories flood my mind.

At this juncture, I have reached the anger stage of my grief. I loved my Mom dearly and yet I find myself wishing I didn't have those memories of her; the memories of watching her take her last breath. My sister wishes she were at the hospital at that time but I tell her that she was lucky because there was nothing worse that seeing that happen. Watching someone die in front of you, especially your Mother, is not something I ever want to witness again. Just today, a car in front of me had a license plate that read "Arti" (my Mom's name) and all I wanted to do was accelerate  to hit the car to get it away from me. I have become less tolerant the last few days and find myself just wanting to yell and scream for no reason. I'm angry that I didn't know the heart attack signs for women well enough to warn my Mom, especially given that my grandfather and uncle both died from hair attacks/heart failure. Hell, I was born with a congenital heart defect so I, above all, should have known the signs! I hate myself for that. I hate that when I want to call my Mom, she is not there. I hate that when I want to see her face, I can't Skype with her like I used to. I hate that she's not able to call to wish her grandkids a Happy Birthday and send them cards each year. I hate that I will no longer get a call from her at midnight each year to wish me a Happy New Year! I hate that she will no longer send Christmas care packages for her grandkids and that I can't fly her out to visit. I hate that I'll no longer be able to update her with my cardiology appointments. I hate that she is gone.

I am trying to tell myself that I will get through this; that the grief is something I have to endure in order to move forward.  I can't let this anger get the best of me and yet I don't know how to not let it. While it has only been a short time since she left us and the grief is still quite fresh, I know she would want me to be strong. She would tell me, "you've always been strong and stubborn so don't give up".  I'm trying Mom, I'm trying.

Family of Five

I really need to get back to updating my blog on a regular basis. It has been nearly 10 months since my last post and while there hasn't been a lot of occurrences in the Collis household, there has been one important happening: the birth of our daughter, London Rose Collis. After a very rough labor and delivery (I'll explain below), London arrived on June 24th at 7:39 a.m. and weighed 7 lbs, 13 oz and was 19 3/4 inches long.

The labor and delivery was rough. I went in to be induced at midnight on June 24, 2013. At that point, I was already dilated to almost 5. After getting hooked up to monitors and having consistent contractions, I was ready for my epidural. Unfortunately, after waiting 30 minutes, I determined the epidural wasn't working as I could feel everything. Screaming, crying and breathing was the only way I could deal with the pain. By 4am, I was fully dilated. I began pushing as soon as my doctor got there; however, London was not coming down the birth canal as she should have. It was now time to wait again. The pain was unbearable so they again administered the epidural in the hopes it would work this time. It helped for about an hour but then I starting feeling everything again. By a little after 7am, I was feeling the urge to push. My nurse at that time was determined to help me deliver this child. She starting having me push even before my doctor got there. Finally my doctor arrived. Still, London wasn't budging. He then told me he had to go do a c-section and would have to come back again for me to try again. I was dumbfounded and thought "He is not leaving me like this!" I looked at the nurse and I knew she could read my mind. I immediately felt another contraction coming and voiced that to her and my doctor. The nurse told me to go ahead and push. I pushed with everything I had in me, my doctor looked at me and said "okay then". He then prepped himself to deliver London.

London had a slightly rough start at first as she came out face up with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck twice. The nurses whisked her away from me and after a few minutes of getting her to take consistent breaths, I heard her cry. It was amazing to hear. Despite the unplanned natural delivery and the pain accompanied, it was well worth it to have London come into this world.

London is absolutely perfect. She is now 2 months old and she is such a gem. She sleeps through the night most nights, and only really cries when she is hungry or wants to be held. She has brought so much joy and happiness to our lives.

Noah has been such a huge help. He is always eager to help which is so nice. Kolsen, on the other hand, is starting to come around. He has passed the jealousy phase for the most part and is just now showing interest London and wants to feed her.

All in all, our family is not a bit larger and we plan on keeping it just us, a family of 5.

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

On October 21st, Josh and I discovered that we are, in fact, expecting baby #3. It was a surprise to each of us to say the least. After the initial shock wore off, we immediately called our parents. I also called the next person in line that I usually call, my wonderful boss. We waited to make the big announcement to everyone else until after I had my first ultrasound as we wanted to make sure all was well.

On October 31st, I had my first OB appointment which consisted of my first ultrasound. All is well! We officially have a little peanut with a heartbeat. My estimated due date is June 22, 2013 (which I might add is Josh's birthday); however the doctor thinks I am farther along by a week or two.

My 2nd appointment is scheduled for November 21st, at which point I will have my second ultrasound to take some measurements and determine more accurately how far along I am. At the current rate, we should find out the gender right before Christmas (exciting!!!!).

Noah is very excited to be a big brother again and really wants a little sister. Kolsen  shows love for my tummy on a regular basis. When I ask him where the baby is, he points to my tummy and gives my tummy a hug. I think he understands more than I thought he would.

My first bout of morning sickness came when we were on our way back from visiting my family in New Mexico. I hoped and prayed that it wouldn't hit me while on the trip but it did and it was MISERABLE! For those of you who have never experienced morning sickness in your pregnancies, you are SO LUCKY! The morning sickness has gotten progressively better, perhaps that is due to the Zofran. But really, I have only taken 1 or 2 pills in the last 4 days so I am doing good. I cannot bear to look at food though. I used to frequent Pinterest but I try to avoid it now as any photo of food makes me nauseous. I cannot even look at a commercial of any food...yes it is THAT bad. Other than the morning sickness (or all day sickness rather), my only other complaint is exhaustion. Growing a baby has really been kicking my butt!

Regardless, I am feeling better and only have a few more weeks until I am out of the first trimester. 

To the dogs

Recently, our family acquired a dog via a local Craigslist ad. A local family had an unexpected litter of pups and were desperatley trying to find new homes for them. The breed is a Minii Dachshund and Chihuahua mix, otherwise known as a "Chiweenie". I contacted the owner and we set up a time to met the only puppy that was left. I had told Noah that he was getting a surprise. He was super excited despite his many guesses. When we pulled up to meet the puppy, Noah was overcome with joy and said in his cute, excited voice, "That puppy is for me???!!!" I replied that the puppy would be our family dog.

After discussing names, we decided to name the puppy Gryffindor. For those who may not know, the name comes from Harry Potter. Gryffindor, or Gryff as we call him, has turned out to be a great addition to our family. He is very playful, lovable and lots of fun for my boys.

First night at his new home

Still sleeping

Finally awake

Catching up

I have been neglecting my blog and that it was time to give an update on what has happened since my last post.

Josh and I discovered a new love for racing. We have been going to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway at almost every chance we have gotten. It is very exhilerating and loads of fun.

In March, I took the boys to the Shiloh Horse Sanctuary. It was such a nice experience and we made a friend while there: a beautiful horse that kept following us. Beautiful!

In April, we took the boys to the Clark County Fair. The boys really loved seeing the animals.

I celebrated my 30th Birthday on May 9th. It was a very scary time to hit 30, but I know more exciting things are to come in my next 30 years.

The most important thing: Kolsen celebrated his 1st birthday. It was a small party but he had a blast. He is now walking and keeping up on our toes.

In June, we took the boys to Venice Beach, CA and to the LA Zoo.

Lastly, Josh and I celebrated our 12th anniversary. We have been through a lot together these last 12 years. Through the many ups and downs, we have pushed through. We went mini golfing and had a nice dinner.

I will try to be more diligent on keeping my blog current and with more details.

I Need a Hobby...

I have come to the realization that I need a hobby. Some people like gardening, scrapbooking or even cooking. I will be turning 30 this year and realize there is nothing that I am truly passionate about. Sure, I love to Facebook, blog and spend hours on Pinterest but as far as something outside of the web, my hobbies are, well, none. Spending time with my family is certainly fulfilling but I need to find something for myself, something that I can put my spare time into (that is, when I have spare time without the munchkins). I would love to get into scrapbooking but find that it's too expensive. Besides, I would much rather make my photo books using Shutterfly. I have been checking out a lot of crafting ideas through Pinterest and have found so many neat ideas. Still, I need a passion, something that I love to do and that I can be proud of.

Perhaps a hobby will present itself in time. For now, I will continue to blog, Facebook and utilize Pinterest.